31st October

 

When I got up this morning my husband had left for work.  I felt quite broody about me hair.  I made coffee for me and Christopher who noticed my mood.

I should explain that Christopher is a very outgoing gay eccentric who is always happy never shuts up.  He is a very close friend and I love him dearly. He is also a very talented artist.   He tried to reassure me that he couldn’t tell I was losing my hair, but I knew I have lost at least half of it over the last six weeks.

Christopher then gave me a huge pile of photographs that he had printed off for me, from our trip to Amsterdam.  We started to reminisce as we looked through.  As usual he started to take the piss out of me.  I returned his insults and we had a right good giggle.

I made us another coffee and while I was in the kitchen, I made my decision.  I was going to do it.  I was going to have my head shaved.  I told Christopher who was a bit shocked but supported my decision.

I informed my husband of my decision.  He took it rather calmly, which was a relief.

I later contacted a friend, David, who does a lot of work for TCT.  He was very understanding and supportive.  He is going to get back to me with some details of how I can achieve my goal.

I felt a huge relief.  I think it’s mainly to do with the fact that it is rather tortuous watching my hair fall out slowly.  At least when it’s shaved I won’t have to worry about it because it will be all gone.

 

October 30th

This evening I co-produced and co-hosted an event.  I was wearing a short sleeve top.  I was constantly pulling hair from my arms, which had fallen out my head.

The event ran smoothly, but my hair loss was weighing down on me, very heavily.

A friend of mine had come over from Manchester, for the event and he stayed over at our house.

Mid October

My hair loss is getting worse.  I find I’m constantly picking hair from my clothes and furniture.  In the morning I find my ever precious hair on my pillow.  I’ve shed tears on a number occasions.

I’m becoming a bit obsessive about my hair loss.  I feel depressed.  I’m worried about my appearance and what others will think if they notice.  I’m usually quite logical so thinking this way is highly annoying to me, but I just can’t help it.

I saw an interview with women from a group that suffer from alopecia.  As a group they decided to shave their heads and do a nude calendar for charity.  I found this inspiring.  It also made me think of Steven Sutton, who raised a hell of a lot of money.  He really was a brave soul.

I decided that if I did choose to shave my head, I would do it for the TCT charity.

It’s Started Again

Early October

Every time I wash my hair, I have noticed heavy hair loss.  I think I noticed a couple of weeks ago, if I’m honest, but I really didn’t want to register and accept that in all probability I was going to lose my hair again.

I spoke to my husband of my fears. I told him I would rather get my head shaved than go through that again.  He empathised but said I should wait a little while to see how it goes.  I did mention this the last time it happened, but he wasn’t keen on the idea.  He doesn’t even like the idea of me having short hair.  My hair has been long for all the time I have known him.

 

 

Losing my hair

I have lost my hair several times before over the last seven years.  Sometimes it just thins out evenly, other times it leaves me with large shiny bald patches.  I’ve had long hair for most of my adult life.

In the past I have always been embarrassed by this.   In fact I would say this also entailed an element of shame.  I would wear bandanas, hats and wigs to hide it.  Only my closest friends ever knew about it.

Watching my hair fall out over a period of time is absolutely soul destroying.  I always reach a point where I cannot bare to look at myself in the mirror.  I felt like my femininity was slipping away.

This time I have decided to take control!  Not having any hair will not make me any less of a woman.

I see this as an opportunity to turn a negative into a positive, not just for myself, but for others.

I have decided to have my head shaved in aid of raising funds for The Teenage Cancer Trust.

As an artist I am very much interested in processes, both of the physical and the mind. I have decided to document my thoughts during the whole process with this blog.